75 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do
by nothingatlpersonal
Summary: Title self-explainitory. Plz review, this is my first fanfic! Now with short stories from each point
1. Emmett Cullen is not allowed to

**Well this is my very first fanfic!! Plz review!!!! I did this a while ago, before I got my fanfiction account, so if u recognise any points from other fanfics, plz tell me!! **

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Emmett Cullen is not allowed to...

Try to convince Rosalie that leaves are 'too green'

Follow Alice around, praising her as the 'Pixie Queen'

Blackmail Edward to do stuff for him or he will break his piano

Get Bella hyper off of juice boxes

Call Edward 'Eddie-kins' or Jasper 'Jazzy-kins'

Try on women's clothes in the change rooms of Target and ask the staff for their opinion

Force feed Jasper human food

Force feed any of his family human food

Squeal like a girl every time a new Harry Potter movie/book comes out

Tell Renesmee that Santa, the Easter bunny or the Tooth Fairy aren't real

Attempt to cook

Go hunting alone with Renesmee (only God knows what he would tell her)

Shout out random words like "CATNIP!" or "ELFIN!"

Bring home random animals and name them

Attempt to touch Rosalie's or Alice's hair

Wake Bella in the middle of the night while Edward's gone hunting and tell her Edwrad's provoked the Volturi and they're coming to Forks

Tell Renesmee that Aro is her real father

Tell Bella that Charlie went for a holiday to Italy and fell in love with Jane

Call Jacob and tell him it's "time for walkies!"

Throw a stick out the window and shout at Jacob to "fetch!"

Tell Jacob that Renesmee's ditched him for Mike Newton

Challenge Mike to a weight lifting contest

Tell Jessica that Mike is in love with Lauren

Attempt to flick an apple up with his foot like Edward

When he hasn't done his homework, tell the teacher "Jasper ate it"

Put up the Christmas tree by himself

Give Jacob a Schmako and pat his belly

Hide the play station from Jasper

Hide all of Rosalie's right shoes

Kidnap Bella and ask for a ransom of 10,000 cookies

Tell Alice she is too short

Drive Edward's Aston Martin down a dirt road, through a corn field, through a paint shop, back home again, and claim he had nothing to do with it

Give Esme a 'Cleaning for Dummies' book for Christmas

Put pigeons in Edward's piano

Wake Bella in the middle of the night saying "I come to suck your blood!" while wearing a black cape and plastic fangs

Disable the lifestyle channel

Tell Jacob he dosen't have to resist the urge to stick his head out the car window

Warn Jacob when there's a full moon

Sing "Sexy Back"

Proclaim that he is bringing "Sexy Back"

Proclaim that he is bringing "Sexy Back" over the school's PA

Steal Edward's Volvo, drive it to New York, then run back and refuse to tell Edward where he put it for no apparant reason

Tell Jasper that Peter and Charlotte have joined the Volturi

Make a voo-doo doll of Jacob

Enter Jacob in a dog obedience trial

Sing ANY Hannah Montana song

Think about singing any Hannah Montana song

Try to dig to China

Buy a karaoke machine

Use it

Touch Alice's Porsche

Dance

Tell Edward that Bella cut her finger and Jasper ate her

Convince Alice that Prada has gone out of business

Go near a computer

Wear Rosalie's clothes to school

Tell the teachers that the clothes are his

And that he is entering in a Beauty Contest

Go trick-or-treating dressed as Harry Potter

Tell everyone that he is the real Harry Potter

Tell Alice she has too many clothes

Attempt to turn marshmallows into vampires

Attempt to turn any food into a vampire

Use this 'vampire food' to attack Jasper or Edward

Take drugs

Be told where Carlisle keeps his drugs

Go to the hospital and steal drugs

Talk to the patients in the hospital

Talk to strangers on the street

Talk to small children

Especially in a creepy voice asking them if they like chocolate

Offer little kids free lollies

Be allowed anywhere near a toaster

Have even the slightest chance to be left at home alone

* * *

"Hmm, that should do it," Bella said as she once again pinned up a piece of paper on the Cullen's living room wall, outlining many things that Emmett shouldn't do.

Alice and Edward stood with her, as they scanned through the list. "Oh please let this be the last list," Alice said.

"You know, a lot of this stuff may be things Emmett hasn't even thought of doing... yet, so maybe we're giving him ideas of stuff to do," Edward wondered.

"Or, he could think of it as things he isn't allowed to do or else he'll be banned from coming anywhere near me for at least 7 days," Rosalie said as she walked into the living room.

"You know... maybe - " Suddenly, Bella was inturrupted by a very strange noise coming from the top of the stairs.

"Oh no he didn't," Rosalie said in a low, very irritated voice.

Alice stiffled a giggle.

"Oh dear God," Edward groaned as he covered his eyes with his hand.

There was Emmett, standing at the top of the Cullen's staircase, dressed in a black cape and a black mask, quietly saying "dananananana dananananana," to himself.

Jasper, Carlisle and Esme walked into the living room to see what all the noise was about.

When Esme noticed Emmett, all she did was calmly turn around, and walk back into the kitchen, with Carlisle close behind, the look on his face saying 'I really don't want to know'.

Jasper hit his hand on his forehead. "Oh no," he muttered to himself.

Edward read Jasper's mind, and turned to him with the darkest of all dark looks on his face. He then let out a deep growl from his throat.

Bella, Alice and Rosalie looked between Edward and Jasper with puzzled looks on their faces.

"What?" Rosalie asked, her voice telling the others she was in no mood for keeping secrets.

Edward let out a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You tell them" he said to Jasper.

Jasper had a sheepish look on his face. "Well... when Emmett and I went to the DVD store yesterday... we kinda bought the Dark Knight, that new Batman movie...and all Emmett did last night was watch it over... and over... and over."

Rosalie talked through clenched teeth. "You...what? You... you bought a Batman movie?" Then she exploded. She launched herself at Jasper. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT WOULD DO TO EMMETT FOR HIM TO WATCH A BATMAN MOVIE? DO YOU??!!!"

Jasper sprinted off with Rosalie close behind.

While all this was happening, Emmett just stood at the stairs patiently. Alice, Bella and Edward sighed and turned slowly around to Emmett at the top of the stairs again.

Alice had a pleading look on her face. "Emmett please don't do this."

All Emmett did was smile evilly, then explode down the stairs. "DANANANANANANANA BATMAN! DANANANANANANANA BATMAN!" He shouted as he ran around the house.

Bella sighed again and took the pen from Edward. She wrote:

75. Emmett Cullen is never EVER allowed to wear a black cape and a black mask, and run around the house...

Emmett then exploded out of the front door, and ran down the driveway, still shouting, now at the top of his lungs.

Bella added one extra part: ....or anywhere in public, singing the theme tune to Batman... or any other super hero he can think of.


	2. Author note, please read!

**Heelloooooo. I know this has been up for a while with nothing new, so I have now randomly decided to write very short stories on each of them. If you read them, please review it!! The first one should be up very very soon. I hope I can make you all laugh!**

**Yours in fanfiction**

**~Sam~**


	3. The Leaves Are So Green!

Okay, here is my short story on number 1. Try to convince Rosalie that leaves are 'too green'. Enjoy!

Emmett POV

It was such a sunny day. Since it was Saturday, we wouldn't be missing anything from school. Not that it really mattered. Anyways, I was really bored. So, I decided to go outside and look at the pretty trees in the forest.

I think Edward heard my plan because he gave me a funny look and said "don't break anything."

But I wasn't gonna do anything wrong! All I was gonna do was look at the trees!

Edward laughed at me. "Okay then, Em."

Edward was mean. I stuck my tongue out at him.

I walked out the front door and straight into the sun. I looked at my arms as I sparkled. I liked sparkling, it felt nice. I walked down the front porch steps and over to the first big tree I saw. It was dark brown, and had some ants crawling up and down it.

They look like nice ants, so I said hello to them. I don't think they could hear me.

I kept looking up, higher and higher. It was a very big tree. I found a hole in the side of it, and I looked inside. There were TWO spiders in there! "Cool!" I said. They looked awesome. Maybe . . .

Alice was then standing at the front door of the house and staring at me. She pointed at me and said "Emmett, if you do, I will get the Volturi to come and burn your ass so bad. . ."

Okay then. Alice was scaring me. She gritted her teeth and walked back inside. But what was I gonna do? Anyways... I kept slowly looking up towards the top of the tree. When I got to the top, I saw the leaves.

WOW.

They were so GREEN! I had never seen anything like it! But, it didn't make sense. It wasn't the right time of year to have such green leaves. I needed to get to the bottom of this.

"Rose!" I shouted. I didn't really need to shout, but I wanted to give a dramatic effect.

She was at my side in a flash. She sighed. "What is it Emmett?"

I pointed to the top of the tree where the demented leaves were. "Look Rose! The leaves!" I didn't need to explain everything to her, Rose was a smart cookie.

"Yes, Emmett, well done. You found leaves at the top of a tree."

Hmm, maybe she wasn't a smart cookie . . . well, not a choc chip one, anyway. "No, Rose. The leaves! Look how green they are!"

"Uh, yeah, they're very green," she nodded.

Ugh! She still wasn't getting it!

"No, Rose! I mean, the leaves are TOO green! It's just not right!" I told her. NOW she should understand.

"What do you mean? They're meant to be green." She said. She sounded like she was getting a little frustrated. Probably because she couldn't understand my perfect logic. Silly Rose.

"But, but, but it's not right! Autumn is when the leaves are meant to go all dark and fall off, isn't it?" That's what I had always been told.

The look on Rose's face seemed to tell me that she could understand now. Good. But she didn't say anything. She turned around and started to walk back towards the house. Where was she going? Probably to call the news or something to tell them about this AMAZING story. But then, she stopped at the door, turned around, and said "It's Spring, Emmett," and walked inside.

"OOOOHHHHHHH."


	4. The Pixie Queen

**Here is number 2... Follow Alice around, praising her as the 'Pixie Queen.'**

Emmett POV

"Emmett!" Alice's little voice screamed at me. Uh-oh.

"What did you do?!" She screamed. I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, but feeling very uncomfortable for some strange reason. I felt like I was being squished or something. Now all of a sudden Alice is screaming her head off at me. What have I done now?

"I don't know, you tell me," I shouted back to Alice simply. That seemed to only make her angrier.

She walked down the stairs in a huff, and I saw the look in her eyes. Crap. But seriously, what had I done? I couldn't remember doing anything to Alice's stu- OH WAIT there was that time. . .

----Flashback----

"Jacob!! JACOB!!!" I ran outside, screaming out to Jacob. I had the most awesomest, most cleverest plan in the whole WORLD!

He walked out from the trees, only wearing a pair of dirty shorts. "Yes, Emmett?" He said.

"I have the awesomest, cleverest plan EVER and I need your help," I told him. This was going to be good!

"Okay," Jacob looked a little confused. "Why do you need my help?" He asked.

I ran up to him with my super vampire speed, and stopped right in front of him. I quickly looked around; making sure no one was around. "Alice," I simply whispered.

Understanding crossed Jacob's face. I knew that was the only word I needed to say for Jacob to help me. He smiled evilly. "All right, I'm in. So what are we going to do exactly?"

"Shh," I put my finger over my lips. "Just follow me," I whispered. I walked slowly back to the house. I got to the front door, opened it as quietly as I could, which I don't think was that quiet, and walked gently through the house.

"For your information, Emmett, you are in no way walking gently," Edward said from the piano. Stupid mind-reading vampire. "And I know your plan," he continued. He chuckled. "Boy you are going to be in trouble, but hey, don't let me stop you," he smiled.

Great, now the party pooper was in on our plan. I kept walking on through the house, and up the stairs, with Jacob still behind me. We walked down the hall, right down to the last door, where I stopped and turned to face Jacob. He had one arm around his stomach, and the other pinching his nose. I gave him a funny look. What the heck was he doing?

"The smell is really strong up here," he said.

The smell... OH the VAMPIRE smell, of course! I almost forgot about that. I shrugged. He glared at me. "Now, you need to be extra quiet from here on," I warned. We were going into dangerous territory here.

I opened the door as gently as I could, and walked through the room quickly. I realised Jacob wasn't behind me. I turned to see him standing at the door with a really sick-looking expression on his face. I waved my hand for him to come in. "Come on, Jake! We don't have much time!"

He made a sort of whimpering sound, and then walked into the room. We walked over to another door, which again I opened extremely carefully. I was shocked when I saw what was inside, and I think Jacob was too.

From wall to wall, from top to bottom, there were clothes. Nothing else but clothes . . . and shoes. How does Jasper cope?! I wish I could know what Jacob was thinking right now . . .

**Jacob POV**

. . . Oh . . . My . . . God . . .

**Emmett POV**

Now it was time to put my most awesomest and cleverest plan to work! I walked over to one group of clothes in the corner. They were all brightly coloured and pretty. Perfect. I picked out the dress with the most sparkles I could see there. I held it out in front of me. Jacob had the weirdest look on his face.

"What?" I asked him.

"W-why are you holding one of Alice's dresses like that?" He asked slowly. He sounded kind of . . . scared.

"How else are we going to become her pixie minions and praise her as our Pixie Queen?" Man, sometimes Jacob could be a little bit slow.

Jacob's mouth was hanging open in a somewhat form of shock. He said he was going to help me, and he wasn't backing out now. He didn't show any sign of moving, so I shoved the next dress I could find into his hands. "Go and put this on, quickly, we don't have much more time," I told him.

He held it up in front of him. "And how in the WORLD do you expect me . . . or you to fit into one of these? This dress is more like a mini skirt on me! It's absolutely tiny!"

I shook my head at him. "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Someone once said to me, 'there are times in life when you need to be uncomfortable, and when you need to take a risk to accomplish your goals, in any way possible'. This is one of those times, Jacob." Hey! That sounded REALLY smart! Hehe . . .

"What idiot said that?" Jacob said.

"Oh never mind! Let's just get to work!" I walked into Alice's 'bathroom' to get changed. This was going to be good!

It was a bit of a struggle getting into the dress. I hopped around on one foot while trying to get the other to fit. My balance wasn't very good, so I kept accidentally knocking things off the bench. One of her perfume bottles smashed on the ground, and all the liquid stuff went all over the floor. Oops. I smelled it. Ugh! It smelt yucky, so I guess Alice wouldn't be too upset with me smashing it. How could girls smell this stuff?

Five minutes later I came out of Alice's 'bathroom' in a very tight fitting pink sparkly dress, which I thought was quite stylish actually. I looked around for Jacob. He was standing in the middle of the room, with his arms wrapped around his body. But from what I could see, he had a strapless yellow dress that only just covered his thighs.

"Right, let's go," I said and walked out the door.

Jacob's face looked as though he was about to argue, but decided otherwise. We walked down the hallway, and back down the stairs, straight to where Alice was sitting on the couch. She definitely didn't see this coming.

"Surprise!" I shouted. Jacob said nothing. I glared at him.

"Uh, surprise?" He said, sort of like a question.

"Oh great Pixie Queen, we praise you!"I said, kneeling on the ground and hailing to her.

Jacob just stood there with his arms still wrapped around his body. I kicked his ankle so he would get on the floor with me.

Alice stood in front of us with a look of shock horror. I looked at her and gave her my sweetest smile. "We praise you!" I said again.

After a couple of minutes, her face changed. It went from horror, to humour. Soon enough she was laughing her head off. It was a really loud laugh for a pixie.

Jacob went to stand up, but I stopped him. "No! We don't move until instructed by the Pixie Queen!"

"Oh . . . my . . . goodness! What are you two thinking?!" Alice said between laughing.

"The only way to honour your awesome pixie-ness is to dress like you and praise your name!" I told her. Gee, even SHE should know that!

Alice started to laugh again and walked off. I crawled after her.

"Okay Emmett, you can stop now," she said.

I didn't move. She had to say the right words!

She sighed. "The Pixie Queen orders you to cut it out," she said.

Much better. "Okay!" I said and stood up. "Come on Jacob."

"I can get changed now?" Jacob said with delight.

"Uh yeah, duh," I replied.

"Yay!" He shouted and ran up the stairs.

----End of Flashback----

"Heh heh heh . . ." I laughed nervously. Oops. I almost forgot about that.

"I Can't BELIEVE you smashed my Coco Chanel perfume! That was my favourite!" Alice said, still standing at the top of the stairs.

I started to edge my way towards the door, ready to make a run for it. Of course there was no point. Alice was standing in front of the door in a flash. Damn future-seeing vampire. "I'm sorry Alice! It's not my fault your dress was so hard to fit in to!" I said.

Her eyes widened. "Then why are you still wearing it?!"

So that's why I was feeling so squished!

"OOOHHHHHHHH!"

**Hehe I like making Em say that at the end. LOL Review!**


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